Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Sweet Friends...

Dear Friends,

I have been absent, but I have been busy.  Busy is Good:)  Busy is not sleeping all day.  I feel better and better every day.  We are heading to South Carolina for Christmas.  I hope each and every one of you have a wonderful Holiday.  Your support and Friendship has been a saving grace and such a blessing to me this past year.  I am eagerly awaiting the New Year and all the promise it has in store for us. 

With Much Love and Gratitude,
Jamie



PS- Here are some Winter FITS for you:)  Make something Merry!



Thursday, December 02, 2010

FIT on Thursday....

Sisters


A beautiful tintype of two Sisters. You can still see the imprint for the brass matt that surrounded it inside it's case.  (***Please see note below***)

Here is the art piece I created with the tintype.  I made glass magnets out of the finished piece.  I will take pictures tomorrow and teach you how to make them also:)





***Please feel free to use this photograph in your Artwork!! After you use it, I would really love for you to come join our new group, "Free Image Tuesday Creations"!!
www.flickr.com/groups/freeimagetuesdaycreations/

Love, Jamie

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Special FIT for You....


This beautiful young lady is a Civil War era cased ambrotype.  I love everything about her.  Her face, her dress, the way she crosses her hands.  My cased image collection holds a special place in my heart. 

Sometimes when I hold them in my hands I think, "I am the only person on this Earth right now who knows this person lived." 

My collection  dates from the mid to late 1800's and for what ever reason they were seperated from their family.   So now, I am their keeper.  I hold their story.  Create something beautiful with her.  Write her a new story.

Love You All,  Jamie

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Fall Comes to Texas...



I actually went out with my camera yesterday and took some Fall photos.  They were the first photos that I have taken in months.  It felt good.  This week has been good.  No sleeping during the day and I am slowly catching up with all the mess I let slide lately.  Your sweet words and comments are a blessing and are so very appreciated.  I am so lucky to know such Wise and Wonderful Women. I have FITS, but they will have to wait until the Wild Boys are in bed.  Love You All!!!!  Jamie

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Sweet Fits For You, My Sweet Friends....

Beautiful Little Miss.  My favorite part of this photo is the elaborate painted backdrop behind her. 

Sisters

That's us:)  Love, Jamie


Sunday, November 07, 2010

Ok.I Can Do This....




I have told this story to my mother and my husband, so I can tell it here. 

It is humiliating and hard.  

I woke up on Thursday and had a brain storm that my boys needed cooler clothes.  Not because they had bad clothes.  But because I realized that I had only shopped at Old Navy and Target for them.  NOT COOL.  The school they attend is full of very privileged children, who have the very best.  

I was thinking I could save them some teasing by giving them the best in clothing that money could buy.  (James had come home and said that he was teased because he wore skinny jeans.)  

They would fit in and no one would be able to call them out on their clothing choices.  

I called friends who kept up on that sort of thing.  They told me the most popular clothing brands were "Hurley" and "7 for all Mankind" and "True Religion" and "Rock and Republic" and "Diesel."  I, of course, have never heard of any of these brands.  

If I find a shirt I like, I buy it in every color and I am happy and done.  

So, I went to Macy's and met with a wonderful woman named Vivienne.  And she helped me with buying a whole new wardrobe for ME.  I know I was looking for the kids   But, it was fun and giddy and exhilarating.  I made myself walk outside of my comfort zone.  And she picked out this and that and I said ok.  She waited in the dressing room for me and approved every outfit.  And I loved almost every one.  And we laughed at the ones that did not work and we laughed at the ones that were perfect.  And she was fabulous and fun and encouraging.  And I felt normal for the first time in a long time.  And Vivi made me feel normal and right and excepted.  She said that I made her laugh so much.  And she made me laugh so much.  She did not judge me when I said that a 24 would not fit me.  She just kept looking until she found a 26. 

And she cheered me and praised me when the 24 fit.  

And she accepted me for who I am.  Jamie.  

Not Fat Jamie.  Just Jamie.  

Me. 

Who I am on the inside.  Vivi made me feel real and ok and normal for the first time in a long time.  

The last thing I said to her was, "I love ya Vivi" and I do.  

She was there for me when she did not know that, that was what I needed most.  She was perfect.

That afternoon, I took James to the store with me to pick up jeans and shoes for David.  We went to the big boy clothes and I was looking around for clothes for David.  There was a Mom there from our school and her two boys.  

James being the social guy that he is, said very proudly, " That is my Mom".  

And the youngest boy said, " YOUR MOM IS FAT". 

Poor James said, "No She is Not!"

And then, the Mom steered them away to another area.  

James looked at me panicked struck and said "You are Not fat Mom!!"

"I Love You".


I was so worried about their clothing.   


I never recognized that  "I " was their biggest liability.  


It is "I " that they will be judged about and called out after.  

The Fat Mom.  

The Mom that stands out. 

I cried all the way home.  I tried to hide it from James, but he knew.  I cried in the car all the way home.  When we got home, I called a friend.  The boys knew there was something more.  

David came to me and said," The more people that make fun of you, the more you learn to deal with them.  

When people make fun of me I say, " I don't understand what you mean.  Could you please explain it to me?"   That stops them in their tracks he said.

I must be doing something right.  David gave me better advice than any adult could.  I must be teaching them the right things.  Those silly boys.  I love them so.


This is the best I can do to recover the lost comments I received for the first try at this post.  Kim, Anji, Joanna and Karin please know that I appreciate you so very much!!!!!  Love, Jamie

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Treasures....

That is what each and every one of you are to me. 

My therapist said yesterday that sometimes the simple act of saying something aloud can take it's power to keep you stuck away.  Being able to talk to Debbie every week and to feeling safe to come here and share with you is so very wonderful.  Knowing that you understand makes me feel so much better.

I am showing my gratitude for all of you by sharing my favorite new image as the FIT.  She is special and beautiful.  Just like us.

Friday, October 29, 2010

"Ah hai' nay erna keena'n you."

"Proof of Fairies No. 284"
Digital collage by Jamie Miller


"I have no greater sorrows than yours."
~ Nell
 
 
I feel guilty having depression when I KNOW it is not caused by outside causes.  I want to sleep all day.  I have no right too.  I have to force myself everyday to function like a normal human being.

Get the children to school.

 Come home and set the alarm clock to 2:45 pm.

 Sleep. 

Wake up and be a positive and happy Mom. 

Homework.  Dinner.  Night, Night time.  8:00pm.  Then, I fall into the bed.  I think "Thank God." 
The boys don't wake up until 6:30 am. 
Only then do I need to be present. 
I make breakfast. I dress them.  I drive them to school. 
I come home and sleep until school is done.

Done. 

That has been my life.  It feels like a sorry excuse.  It feels like a sham.

Don't tell me it is ok.  It is not.  It is a mockery of a life.  It feels like a sham.

I love you all.  I hear your answers in my head.  You say wonderful positive things.  You say it is ok.  You say beautiful, lovely things.  I do not deserve them.

So I am going to except them anyway.

Because I am trying and you are pulling for me.

You are there for me when I am not there for myself.

Thank you for that.  Thank you so much.

Thank you for being there.

I am going to start walking in the morning.  I am going to be present.  I can tell you honestly that it is going to suck.  I will hate it.  But so what.  I will be ok.

I have no greater sorrows than you.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Art...Alli...and FITS...


"Fly"

"Fly" a digital collage by Jamie Miller (cloud texture by Sweet Marsha:) www.flickr.com/photos/10516787@N06/3611013886
background texture by Sweet Deborah:www.flickr.com/photos/landofnodstudios/4812850044

“Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them and they flew.”

~Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1919)

I feel like I am pushing the edges all around me.  Seeing what I am capable of and able to tolerate.  Sticking my toe in the water.  Feeling around in the dark.  It's a whole new world for me. 

I started using Alli with my meals.  The nutritionist said that if I am going to be practicing eating well then why not use Alli to help maximize my weight loss.  Now I am using it and I am very careful about my fat gram intake.  Alli can have some really yucky side effects if you eat a high fat meal.  And, Lord knows, I don't want to shart myself in the Walmart.  So cucumbers it is:)


These next three photos are your FITS for the week.



I love the little boy in the chair so much!!!   That hair kills me.  I call him the Lollipop Kid:)   He is beautiful beyond words.





She is a true beauty and I have the original for you and also one I have colorized.  I love her hair and think she looks so modern.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone and thank you so very much for your sweet words and support.   Love, Jamie

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Photos...Arting...Now, I Am Un-Abilified and FIT Images...

Hello Sweet Friends.  These are photos that I FINALLY downloaded out of my camera:) 

The first is a wonderful sunset from a few months ago.  When I was looking at the downloaded images I could not believe I got the sun shining out of the break in the clouds like that.  Fabulous!!!


This flower and all my flower shots are from the gardens at Debbie's (my therapist) office.  I love to walk around there after we talk and just be.  I always see something wonderful.


These bunnies come out early in the morning and eat the birdseed that has fallen on the ground from the bird feeder.  And the bread I put out there too:)  Aren't they the CUTEST?!!!!


Once again I am overwhelmed at the kindness, love and generosity you all have shown me.  It helps so very much to know I am not alone.  Hearing your experiences lets me know I am not alone.  Your Sweet wonderful words let me know I am not alone.  I am so grateful I can come here and be myself.  Thank You All So Much!!

On the meds front I have been un-Abilifed.  I started having horrible edema (swelling) in my legs and feet.  The doctor put me on Lasix and from Friday until Monday when I went back I had lost 15 pounds of water weight.  Holy Crap!!  I only wish you could pee real pounds out like that too!  LOL!!!  I really hate that i can't take it because it made me feel so much better.  So I have to wait three weeks before we can stir up another cocktail.  Until then I am hoping I continue to feel productive.  I am arting like mad and I LOVE it.

I am sending hugs to you all!  I have answered all the wonderful comments and emails.  Thank you so very much:)  Love, Jamie




These next three pieces are new art I made this week. 
"Everydays" Digital Collage by Jamie Miller (inspired by the words of Sweet Kim of Gerushia's New World.
For image and texture info click here.

"Sorrow" Digital Collage by Jamie Miller
For image and texture info click here.

"Eight Days" Digital Collage by Jamie Miller
For image and texture info click here.




Free Image Tuesdays on a Thursday!!!

These are from a photo I took at the Butterfly house with the boys:)  I turned them into a snip for you!

These three sisters are so sweet.  I always love those gigantic bows!!!!!  Their names are

Alice, Addie and Jeannette:)

Look at this Sweet Monkey!!!  My favorite part is the perfect dimples on the back of his hands.  Baby hand dimples are precious!!!!

The back of this card is really pretty.  I cleaned it up and erased the photographer's name for you here:


What can you do with this? Anything you want! I used it for my blog name and address:)





Quote for the Day:

“Family... a group experience of love and support.”
~Marianne Willianson




Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Am Cymbaltaed, Wellbutrin-ated and Abilified!!....




"Mommy's Little Helpers" Digital collage by Jamie Miller

Well, here I am.  Heavily medicated and closely followed by a physician and seen by a therapist weekly.  I have been Cymbaltaed, Wellbutrin-ated and Abilified.  I think we have found a good cocktail and it seems to be working for me for now.  Insomnia seems to be my biggest hurdle/side effect, but I was having that before the meds, so at least I feel happy at 3am.  I have been in therapy for 6 years and my therapist is an awesome wonderful lady.  She works with women and she does Skype and phone sessions if you are out of state.  Here is her website if you are having trouble and need to talk with someone.  http://www.devinerelaxation.com/

My depression at this point is mainly brain chemistry, not situational.  When I am at the bottom I KNOW this, but it still feels like some sort of short coming or a failure on my part.  I have a wonderful life.  A wonderful family.  Wonderful friends.  It is amazing the million different ways we find to beat the crap out of ourselves.  So hour by hour and day by day I am finding things easier, lighter.  Enjoyment of your life is a precious gift and should be savored and cherished. I missed this home here in Blogland.  I missed my Friends.


My weight has not changed, but these are the things I also have forced myself to do.  And, by the way, enjoyed every one of them.

1.  I have been taking tennis lessons.  At first I thought, "Hey! I am kind of like a natural at this!"  Then after about three lessons I realized the coach had been throwing the balls straight at my racket and there was no way I could miss the ball.  He is very patient with me:)

2.  I put on a swimsuit and swam with my boys several times.  They loved it and so did I.  Now, it was at my neighbors house and there was no one else around, but it was a hard thing for me and I did it and I am glad.  And they (the neighbors) are going to Japan next week  and we will be swimming everyday.  I do have their permission to use the pool, by the way!  LOL!!

3.  I put on a bathing suit and a coverup and sat at a table under an umbrella at the Dallas Country Club at the pool!!!!!!!  Some friends wanted to take me out for a birthday lunch and I said Sure!  Then that morning they told me where it was going to be and my first thought was to cancel.  Then I cried in the shower and almost had a panic attack.  Then I put on my big girl boots and suited up.  But I did it and had fun and I am glad.

4.  I took the boys bowling.  I suck at it, but it was fun and I am glad.

5.  I took the boys to the Butterfly House at Fair Park.  That is where your FIT's wings come from. 

6.  I attended the Paper Cowgirl art retreat in June. It was wonderful and fun and I met so many fantastic people and saw many familiar faces from last years retreat. I forced myself to mingle and not just stay in my hotel room. Baby steps, right? I put on a pretty good happy face when I need too:) It will be a welcome time in my life every year.



So.  That's what has been going on and I have missed you all.  I have missed my art.  I have missed.  It's time to not miss anymore.




Here is the FIT for the week.  She is one of my favorite images and she is holding an orange which is wonderful.  I have colored her and cropped her for you.  You can recolor her or what ever you choose to do:)

Just right click on her and save her to your desktop.  Print her out and she's yours!  For you digital Gals, just use your lasso tool in Photoshop to cut her out and use her in your artwork:)  If you do use these images then please hop over to the Free Image Tuesday Group at Flicker and post your artwork.  There are wonderful ladies there!!!  Here is the link:)  http://www.flickr.com/groups/freeimagetuesdaycreations

I also added some wings for her if you would like to use this image:)

"Flutterby"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller  (FIT image free for you to use in your art masterpieces!!!)


Speaking of art...  My insomnia has produced loads of quiet arting time for me.  Here are some of the recent pieces I have been working on.  In the dark of the night:)

"Sisters"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller



"Tree House"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller


"Digital Still Life No.1"  By Jamie Miller




"Digital Still Life No.2"  By Jamie Miller

This is the PERFECT quote to end this post and it comes from Sweet Kim of  Gerushia's New World.  Please visit and see her wonderful art work! This is Pure Poetry Sweetie!!!!


"Beyond the shadows and nightmares,

there is light and dreams and hope.

Sometimes it's obvious and glorious, and

sometimes it's quiet, tucked away in our

Everydays." 

~Kim


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Free Image Tuesday...Tintypes and a Toothless Sweetie...Oh and Tennis:)...

Here is Sweet James and his missing front teeth.  The right top and bottom tooth were knocked out when he fell a couple of weeks ago on the tile.  Talk about making a Momma's heart stop!  We were in the garage and we heard James start crying.  I ran inside and the first thing I saw was blood and 2 teeth just lying on the tile.  Thank goodness they were both baby teeth.  Last week he lost the left top tooth while eating ice cream.  I love to hear him talk right now.  Especially if what he is saying has lots of S's:)


Pretty Soon We Will Have to Feed Him A Liquid Diet:)



This first FIT is a full plate tintype.  It measures 9 by 7 inches and I believe that it is a copy of an earlier CDV photograph.  So kind of like one of the first forms of photocopying:)  I have several examples of this type of photo posted on my Flickr account.



This is an art piece I created using these Sweeties:)



This is Sweet Archie J. Pollock.  On the back of this CDV it is written that this photograph was taken on Aug. 4th, 1873 and that Archie was 4 years and 10 months old.  I really love his stockings and hat.  I am working on an art piece with him right now:)






The tennis lessons are going very well.  On Saturday the boys and I had a lesson together.  I could tell that they were proud of me for playing and David said several times how he could not believe how well I could hit the ball:)  It's fun and after an hour of chasing that ball you get your heartrate up pretty good.  Also on Saturday in the court beside us there were 4 men playing a game.  I wanted to run and hide.  I did not want to have the lesson in front of them, but I did and I'm glad.  I also told the tennis coach (a man) that I weigh 277 pounds and that I need to get fit and healthy.  My own husband doesn't know how much I weigh, but told that coach just as matter of fact as you please and...  the world still held on it's axis.  It's all ok.  I am starting to learn/trust that your attitude is so much more important than your size.



Quotes For The Day:

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. "
~Albert Camus, Lyrical and Critical Essays

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway." ~Emory Austin


"I've decided that the stuff falling through the cracks is confetti and I'm having a party!"
 ~Betsy CaƱas Garmon

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Proof of Fairies No. 277...

I had my tennis lesson on Monday and it was AWESOME!!!  I can't believe what a stress reliever it is when you hit that ball!!  I did better than I thought I would and when the hour was over I was sweaty and proud:)  I will post the FIT tomorrow.  This morning I am going to a Mother's Day Tea that Sweet James' class has prepared for us.  Hope you are all having a wonderful week!  Love, Jamie (Queen of the Court) LOL!!

Digital Collage by Jamie Miller
Fence by Elea24
http://elea24.deviantart.com/art/Charlecote-42-100750640"
negative plate by Sweet Renee
http://www.flickr.com/photos/playingwithpsp/3331299061/sizes/o/in/set-72157610323678925
Mushrooms and tree from Jantiff-Stocks
http://jantiff-stocks.deviantart.com/art/moss-tree-mushrooms-99337026
Thatched House from Cubstock
http://cubstock.deviantart.com/art/little-house-1-76305404

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Ghost House

"Ghost House"  by Jamie Miller

All images used are from the Art-e-ology Free Image Tuesday set on Flickr
Broken Glass texture is from Deviant Art member DozyStock

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Lost Civiliations: Proof of Fairies No. 2



I made a list of the things I would do when I lost weight. Things that I am not comfortable doing now at my current weight. And you know what? I am going to fake it 'till I make it and I am going to do those things NOW. Push through the uncomfortable feelings and do them anyway. Step out of myself and see what happens.

So yesterday I spent the whole day at Canton. It is a 400 acre flea market with so many wonderful antiques and treasures and junk that only a collage artist would love:) It is only open for a few days on the first week of every month so my husband picked the kids up from school and I had a day to myself for the first time since I can remember. I walked miles and I met so many great folks.

When I got home the boys would not stop hugging me and my husband said they both were crying when I was not there to pick them up from school. Which tells me we need to spend some quality time apart from each other:)

On Monday at 10am I start private tennis lessons. Which at this point just makes me want to cringe, but I will be out there trying to hit that ball in all my glory:)

Quotes for Today:

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway."
~Emory Austin

" To overcome a fear, here's all you have to do: realize the fear is there, and do the action you fear anyway."
~Peter McWilliams

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Fishin'...FITS For You...FIT Flicker and Having A FIT Over Your FIT Art! Page...


Sweet James

I took the boys fishing today. I taught them how to cast their rods and bait their hooks. We caught lots of algae and found lots of fossils and a pull tab from the 70's. I had to explain to the boys what it was used for in the olden days;) We had a wonderful time and it felt so good to be outside in the sunshine. I have decided to just do the things I have been avoiding because of my weight. Just do them and realize that the joy and fun and love on my son's faces far outweighs me.



Sweet David
(notice the feet STANDING in the water!!)



I finally opened a Free Image Tuesday Flickr group a few weeks ago to give it a trail run. We have truly lovely members and they have made beautiful FIT art. So if you have a Flickr account please come join us at Free Image Tuesday Creations and share your wonderful art work.



For those of you who do not have a Flickr account I have created a special page just for you and the link can be found at the top of my blog. It's called Having A FIT Over Your FIT Art! If anyone can think of a better title then PLEASE let me know. LOL!!!!!! If you would like to share your FIT art then leave a link in the comment section on the main blog and I will add your art and link to the page. Go over and check out the fabulous art pieces already listed. If I have missed you, then please knock me over the head and remind me again!!


  1. Sweet Margaret! I love the soft dreamy quality of this photo and of course the fact that she has a name:)


I wonder what ghosts haunt this fabulous building? It would be perfect for Halloween art.


Cheeky Monkey!!!!!! Have you ever seen such a devilish grin? It is rare to find such expression in an 1800s CDV image. It makes me wonder if the photographer took the "serious" photos and then got some sweet smiles (or cheeky ones) for the parents to cherish.





Quotes for Today:

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

~Author Unknown



"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."

~Win Borden

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Amazed....

Photograph by Jamie Miller

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."   ~Anais Nin 



I don't know how to say thank you in any way that comes close to the gratitude I feel towards each and every one of you.  Your kind words and shared experiences are amazingly wonderful and brave and fearless and poignant and heart wrenching and heart healing.

I printed out each comment.  I read each one over and over.  On Tuesday, I sat in Debbie's office and read them out loud.  And we marveled at your kindness and generosity and bravery.  Your gentle outpourings of truth and love.  So thank you my friends.  Thank you for sharing a part of you with me and all who come here.  Your willingness to open your hearts and my willingness to open my heart feels so right.  I feel so proud of all of us. 

Photograph by Jamie Miller


Depression holds different demons for each person.  Talking about our fears and experiences is so very freeing.  I spend an hour every week with Debbie.  And together we have moved emotional mountains over the past 5 years.  One thing I have always said to her is that I was afraid people would not take my art seriously or me as a blogger seriously if they saw the real me.  That I felt like an imposter.  I never lied about myself, but I knew I was hiding my weight issues from you.  For fear of being judged.  But really, it was I who was judging.  Judging myself and judging you.  Not trusting you enough to be able to see through to the real me.

This 40 year old Jamie still sees herself cowering in her school desk, hearing the daily fat jokes and taunts from classmates.  She still can feel the burning shame when they stuck gum in her hair on the school bus.  But I think now that this Jamie would have something to say for herself.

And I certainly would tell them where they could stick their gum.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Free Image Tuesday Beauties For You!...

Sisters Forever.  A beautiful cabinet card from Wauseon, Ohio.  I put a background page behind the photo so you could see the wonderful scalloped edges of the card.  Their necklaces and outfits match and I am not quite certain they are sisters, but I like to think so:)



Little Miss CDV photograph.  Her beautiful dress forms a cape in the back and has such wonderful ruffles and detailing.  She seems shy and tiny in front of her big studio backdrop.


Little Man CDV.  This CDV (cartes de visite) sized photo is a very early one.  Based on the hair style and clothing of our fella I would date this photo to the early 1860s.    A lovely studio chair adds to the beauty of this one.

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