Friday, October 29, 2010

"Ah hai' nay erna keena'n you."

"Proof of Fairies No. 284"
Digital collage by Jamie Miller

"I have no greater sorrows than yours."
~ Nell
I feel guilty having depression when I KNOW it is not caused by outside causes.  I want to sleep all day.  I have no right too.  I have to force myself everyday to function like a normal human being.

Get the children to school.

 Come home and set the alarm clock to 2:45 pm.


Wake up and be a positive and happy Mom. 

Homework.  Dinner.  Night, Night time.  8:00pm.  Then, I fall into the bed.  I think "Thank God." 
The boys don't wake up until 6:30 am. 
Only then do I need to be present. 
I make breakfast. I dress them.  I drive them to school. 
I come home and sleep until school is done.


That has been my life.  It feels like a sorry excuse.  It feels like a sham.

Don't tell me it is ok.  It is not.  It is a mockery of a life.  It feels like a sham.

I love you all.  I hear your answers in my head.  You say wonderful positive things.  You say it is ok.  You say beautiful, lovely things.  I do not deserve them.

So I am going to except them anyway.

Because I am trying and you are pulling for me.

You are there for me when I am not there for myself.

Thank you for that.  Thank you so much.

Thank you for being there.

I am going to start walking in the morning.  I am going to be present.  I can tell you honestly that it is going to suck.  I will hate it.  But so what.  I will be ok.

I have no greater sorrows than you.


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