Friday, October 29, 2010

"Ah hai' nay erna keena'n you."

"Proof of Fairies No. 284"
Digital collage by Jamie Miller


"I have no greater sorrows than yours."
~ Nell
 
 
I feel guilty having depression when I KNOW it is not caused by outside causes.  I want to sleep all day.  I have no right too.  I have to force myself everyday to function like a normal human being.

Get the children to school.

 Come home and set the alarm clock to 2:45 pm.

 Sleep. 

Wake up and be a positive and happy Mom. 

Homework.  Dinner.  Night, Night time.  8:00pm.  Then, I fall into the bed.  I think "Thank God." 
The boys don't wake up until 6:30 am. 
Only then do I need to be present. 
I make breakfast. I dress them.  I drive them to school. 
I come home and sleep until school is done.

Done. 

That has been my life.  It feels like a sorry excuse.  It feels like a sham.

Don't tell me it is ok.  It is not.  It is a mockery of a life.  It feels like a sham.

I love you all.  I hear your answers in my head.  You say wonderful positive things.  You say it is ok.  You say beautiful, lovely things.  I do not deserve them.

So I am going to except them anyway.

Because I am trying and you are pulling for me.

You are there for me when I am not there for myself.

Thank you for that.  Thank you so much.

Thank you for being there.

I am going to start walking in the morning.  I am going to be present.  I can tell you honestly that it is going to suck.  I will hate it.  But so what.  I will be ok.

I have no greater sorrows than you.

24 comments:

Gail said...

Jamie,
It's good to hear from you again, I'm so sorry about the depression. I can't pretend to know what it's like because I've never had depression like that, only the fleeing feelings that a lot of us have.
Today wasn't a tip-top day for me and I didn't feel like the best mom in the world....could've done better, ya know? The short temper because I wasn't feeling great.
You've been missed, take care of yourself.

prutsels said...

I hear a lot of guilt, but you are taking care of your children despite of how you feel.
Let the guilt go, look at all the positive steps you are taking.
It is so hard if you are right in the middle of being sad. You are finding your way, that takes courage.

The Feathered Nest said...

Dear sweet girl...what a battle you fight precious friend ~ I do have my own battle but sometimes my medication helps me muddle through (though other times I do still doubt it!) Just please remember to keep trying Jamie dear ~ I'm heading to Texas next week to visit with Lisa and go to Ann Perry's Open House...and I'm totally about to freak out about it!!! Sending you hugs and love, Dawn

sangeeta said...

Hey Jamie .... BE THERE for yourself . I have never commented on your beautiful blog earlier but this time i wanted to let you know that , depression like this one makes you more sensitive and stronger sometimes.... take this opportunity to count the great things in your life .

I am suffering with almost the same things you mentioned ... i lost my daughter on Dec 31st last year after a long and painful illness and ended up feeling like a burden on earth ..... just a few minutes of positive thoughts will keep you in great shape ... come to my blog 'homealone' if you get some time .

I can understand and wish to keep in touch with you...

Julie Whitmore Pottery said...

Dear Jamie,

Thats right, don't drag any guilt on your walks, you kick its ass and keep going. Jamie I have someone close who was/is in the weeds with depression and he now takes medication and it has helped.
I know alot of people dismiss it, but he would be lost without this sort of life raft. Okay, one more thing, lots of water. It hydrates you of course but also keeps your energy level a little higher.
Thinking of you and sending strength.
xxx

Anji Johnston said...

Depression sucks Jamie and I have had my fair share. But you don't. That feeling of worthlessness does and will subside but until it does - accept it for what it is. I love you dear, sweet Jamie and am rooting for you. X

A bird in the hand said...

Dear Jamie, I've been in your shoes, so I am rooting for your with all of my heart. Keep going in whatever way you can. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if we can't see it just yet.

xoxo

Jo said...

Dear Jamie, you are so hard on yourself. If you had a broken leg you (nor anyone else) wouldn't say that you were being a bad mother for not walking a mile a day. It's so lovely to see you back, hang on in there. You are trying so hard and you must give yourself a BIG pat on the back for that.

KEEP STRONG!

xxxx

kay said...

Jamie, dear,I went through a dark night of the soul when I lost my Mother and Husband in a 3 week period. You get through the next breath, the next minute, the next hour- just keep breathing and remind yourself that nothing stays the same forever. It's ok to feel sad- all of your feelings are valid. Love is holding you up until you can stand on your own! I salute you for getting out of bed in the morning-that is like climbing Everest for most people. Sending positive energy your way-thank you for being such an inspiration !

Kim Mailhot said...

Big Love to you, Jamie. And you deserve that love and care just as much as anyone else on this planet. You didn't ask for this. You didn't do anything to cause it. But you do need to keep fighting it, for you, for your kids and for all those who love you.
I know fucking depression very intimately. It almost cost me my life a few years back. But there is hope to come back from it. Though the pit is deep and dark, keep trying to focus on that little stream of light at the very top of it. That is the way up. And that light is love...
You will be okay, Beautiful Heart. You will be okay.

GerryART said...

Geez, girl, what does your family doctor say about this?

Has he recommended a specialist?

Hugs

jan said...

Hi Jamie, My Dr. explained depression, anxiety, etc. so well to me on Friday. It's seratonin levels that are off, that create the depression and can cause anxiety, etc. It has nothing to do w/ how happy we try to act, or not act, it has nothing to do w/ our "willing" ourselves to be happy, etc. My Dr. is fabulous and really made me feel so comfortable about it all. I explained to her that I do everything I can to try and keep upbeat, walking, eating right and I'm a very positive, upbeat person. The sadness and loneliness I feel for no reason at all have perplexed me for years. I can be at a social function, receive lot's of hugs, compliments, etc. and feel so sad while I'm smiling and carrying on, etc. It plagues me. Long story short - she has prescribed me some anti depressant pills that I'll begin taking soon. I have tried others pills and Dr.'s in the past and did not like them. I'm not giving up though! I can relate to your post. Try finding a good Dr. to fix your seratonin levels. This is the cause, it's not "you". Thank you for your post and being open about what you're going through. Don't waste another day feeling this way though...we don't have to...they've got ways to fix our chemicals right on up! :) Joy to us both! ~ Jan

Andrea said...

Jamie, so glad you are back to creating! Know that you are in my thought and prayers and you have many friends who care about you!!

Diana said...

I'm with Jerry; there's help for depression. I discovered this a bit late, after suffering with it for 35 years. That's just too long; any amount of time is too long. It takes a while for the meds to kick in, and the first one prescribed for you may not work, so you might be 'test-driving' meds for a while, but don't give up. And any physical exercise you can make yourself do helps; better still, it gives you something to do to help yourself, which is powerful indeed.

Tami Roth said...

Oh, sweetie, I miss your posts and know that I am thinking of you. You are strong and will get through this just keep on for you and your family and friends-we need and love you!
Hugs and love to you,
Tami

Chris said...

Sweet Jamie, no high five this time; instead I'm sending you a great big hug. When you feel overwhelmed, close your eyes, take a deep breath and know that you've got lots of people here in blogland that are cheering you on.
XO

Pat said...

Gosh, I just realized you left a comment on my blog in JULY! Have been dealing with a bad rheumatoid flare and on lots of meds, thus my blog has not been updated forever! It's actually embarrassing! Thank you for your comment/visit and I hope not be such a slug from now on. Praying for your depression to lift....I am intimately acquainted with it with 2 adult sons who suffer so much. Fortunately, I, persoally,. do not but empathize with those who do. God bless you ....His mercies are new every morning!
Pat

cindy said...

My dear sweet friend, I have no words to help you, but do know this, I'm sending you hugs and love in huge quantities! You are the best,your great smile and your wicked wit always delight! I hope you know that. You brighten a room the minute you walk into it.

LOVE you gurl!

PS...I promise, promise to be good from now on. Promise. :) You know what I'm saying! LOVE ya LURD!

Sending hugs!

-c

Tammy said...

Ah Jaime, I am sorry to hear you are experiencing depression firsthand. It sucks and it sucks the life right out of you. It sneaks up and tries to smother you. Stay strong and know that you will overcome this battle.
You need to talk with someone that can help. Please do it for yourself and for your children.

I was at an all time low about 16-1/2 yrs ago. I went to church that day praying for divine intervention. I left there knowing this was more than I could handle alone. I had to finally get help. Therapy and medication have been my lifesaver.

You are such a delight to us who have the privilege of getting to know you through your blog. I wish I was there to give you the big hug you need. Do not be so hard on yourself. Please know that you deserve to be happy and that you will be happy again. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. You will make it there.

I will be praying for you and for you to get the help you need, Jaime.
Xo,
Tammy

WingingIt said...

oh darling what can i say.....i too have lost....i too have pulled covers over my head with exhaustion for life....i will hold you hear in my heart today...sending love is something i can do today....
be kind
be honest
be true
huggingz
your piece is divine by the way.....the silver lining

Suz said...

I am so sorry that you have to struggle with this. I. too, battle daily with depression and have for years. I do believe that things get better. I am learning how to live with my self with depression. I have a strong genetic history on my mother's side of the family. Her father used to take yearly trips to Mexico. I thought this was so "cool" and found out he was getting ECT for intractible depression. I am so glad that my depression ca be managed with medication and the many useful things I have learned in therapy.

I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Suz

Anonymous said...

Dear Jamie,
I had to write to tell you how very brave you are to post about your depression on your blog. Thank you for being brave enough for people like me that keeps almost everything to herself. My husband suffers from depression. One day I hope to be brave like you.

JaneAgain said...

You're right....it's NOT okay. It's like being the walking dead. You're not living and you can't die. And there's no good reason for it. Hugs to you. I'm pulling for you, too, now.

Jane

Anonymous said...

Your art is so beautiful. And you are giving your boys 100 percent of what you have to give.

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