"Proof of Fairies No. 284"
Digital collage by Jamie Miller
"I have no greater sorrows than yours."~ Nell
I feel guilty having depression when I KNOW it is not caused by outside causes. I want to sleep all day. I have no right too. I have to force myself everyday to function like a normal human being.
Get the children to school.
Come home and set the alarm clock to 2:45 pm.
Sleep.
Wake up and be a positive and happy Mom.
Homework. Dinner. Night, Night time. 8:00pm. Then, I fall into the bed. I think "Thank God."
The boys don't wake up until 6:30 am.
Only then do I need to be present.
I make breakfast. I dress them. I drive them to school.
I come home and sleep until school is done.
Done.
That has been my life. It feels like a sorry excuse. It feels like a sham.
Don't tell me it is ok. It is not. It is a mockery of a life. It feels like a sham.
I love you all. I hear your answers in my head. You say wonderful positive things. You say it is ok. You say beautiful, lovely things. I do not deserve them.
So I am going to except them anyway.
Because I am trying and you are pulling for me.
You are there for me when I am not there for myself.
Thank you for that. Thank you so much.
Thank you for being there.
I am going to start walking in the morning. I am going to be present. I can tell you honestly that it is going to suck. I will hate it. But so what. I will be ok.
I have no greater sorrows than you.
