Saturday, April 24, 2010

Amazed....

Photograph by Jamie Miller

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."   ~Anais Nin 



I don't know how to say thank you in any way that comes close to the gratitude I feel towards each and every one of you.  Your kind words and shared experiences are amazingly wonderful and brave and fearless and poignant and heart wrenching and heart healing.

I printed out each comment.  I read each one over and over.  On Tuesday, I sat in Debbie's office and read them out loud.  And we marveled at your kindness and generosity and bravery.  Your gentle outpourings of truth and love.  So thank you my friends.  Thank you for sharing a part of you with me and all who come here.  Your willingness to open your hearts and my willingness to open my heart feels so right.  I feel so proud of all of us. 

Photograph by Jamie Miller


Depression holds different demons for each person.  Talking about our fears and experiences is so very freeing.  I spend an hour every week with Debbie.  And together we have moved emotional mountains over the past 5 years.  One thing I have always said to her is that I was afraid people would not take my art seriously or me as a blogger seriously if they saw the real me.  That I felt like an imposter.  I never lied about myself, but I knew I was hiding my weight issues from you.  For fear of being judged.  But really, it was I who was judging.  Judging myself and judging you.  Not trusting you enough to be able to see through to the real me.

This 40 year old Jamie still sees herself cowering in her school desk, hearing the daily fat jokes and taunts from classmates.  She still can feel the burning shame when they stuck gum in her hair on the school bus.  But I think now that this Jamie would have something to say for herself.

And I certainly would tell them where they could stick their gum.

15 comments:

Gail said...

Good for you! We are all so much more than our exterior appearance and it's helpful for all of us to teach that important lesson to our children from a very young age......I hate nothing, and I mean nothing more than a bully or to hear children saying mean things about another child. It bothers me so much that I will correct a child in public if I hear this going on, consequences be damned! Let's stand up for what's right and decent in this world :).
Always do right!

Tess said...

JAmie, I feel I have missed something serious here. My raddar is tingly and I going back to re-read some posts. Depressed or fat or too skinny or not, know that I love you and have always cherished your comments and glimpes of your world.

Tami Roth said...

Good for you, Jamie, and I'm so proud of you!!! Don't let anyone get in your way of joy and happiness that you are so deserving of, because you make so many feel happy!

Stay strong sweetie (but it's OK to have off-days too), hugs,
Tami

cindy said...

Bravo!!!!!!! Atta Gurl! :D

Hey are you gonna be a vendor for me? I would not be the same at PC without ya!!!! I'll try and call you this week, I hope you are gonna come "play" with us all! :D

Sending hugs!

-c
yapper

Michelle Palmer said...

Your blog makes me smile :)
Thank you~

Anji Johnston said...

You go girl! After I read your last post I made a picture about depression. I never sent it to you but you can see it on my Flickr site. It was really dedicated to you but I felt that so many others would relate to it (depression) and that I wanted to share it. If you would like a print Jamie just let me know. And remember - you are not alone! Theres a big wide world out there waiting for you to embrace and I truly hope you will take all your fans on that journey of self discovery along with you.
Your friend Anji

Julie said...

Way to "STICK IT" to 'em, Jamie! Don't let anyone get you down--not even yourself! You're a wonderful artist, and should be very proud of yourself!

Hope things feel a bit better today!

Lori said...

you sound pretty spunky Miss Texas...good for you!!! i truly hope this means you are feeling better:) we need to talk this week!!!

Ophelia said...

Gosh...what an amazing post! Thank you so much for sharing that. You have lifted me today...and I really appreciate it! You have no idea how much! I am so glad I found your blog today...just what I needed. Your attitude rocks!I turned 40 this year as well, and you go girl!

Terri Kahrs said...

Why can we give our love so freely to our families and friends, but we find it so difficult to love ourselves? Your journey of self-discovery and acceptance is inspiring, Jamie. Am sending a ton of love your way along with prayers for strength. Hugs, Terri xoxo

PS Your pictures are stunning!!!

Laurie said...

I'm glad you have Debbie and I'm very happy to see all the comments of just some of the people who, like me, love you! I love that Nin quote, too!

Lee @ The Way I See It said...

BRAVO!!!!!!! I hear doors shutting... and new ones opening!!

Didi said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you talk about fearing that people will 'find out' about me and that I have fears and insecurities and depression and take meds and seek counseling.
I LOVE your quote about the rose...I know what is going on todays art journal!
You are awesome and I so appreciate your openness and generosity and your words of advice to me on flickr.
(hugs!)

The Blackwood Cottage said...

Sounds like you are taking the bull by the horns and that is all we can do. Healing does come! As far as your blog goes, I love it and I believe it is all you! I hear your voice in the humor and see your pain in the darkness of the design, my blog is dark too! I love that, it represents a deeply passionate individual with a heart, a sorrow, and yet still a great sense of humor. You go girl! Embrace who you are, everyone loves it here...all you and that's the truth!
Machelle

Didi said...

Here's my journal page using your quote. Thanks again for all your inspiration!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/11356857@N08/4558133336/

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