I Am Cymbaltaed, Wellbutrin-ated and Abilified!!....

"Mommy's Little Helpers" Digital collage by Jamie Miller

Well, here I am.  Heavily medicated and closely followed by a physician and seen by a therapist weekly.  I have been Cymbaltaed, Wellbutrin-ated and Abilified.  I think we have found a good cocktail and it seems to be working for me for now.  Insomnia seems to be my biggest hurdle/side effect, but I was having that before the meds, so at least I feel happy at 3am.  I have been in therapy for 6 years and my therapist is an awesome wonderful lady.  She works with women and she does Skype and phone sessions if you are out of state.  Here is her website if you are having trouble and need to talk with someone.  http://www.devinerelaxation.com/

My depression at this point is mainly brain chemistry, not situational.  When I am at the bottom I KNOW this, but it still feels like some sort of short coming or a failure on my part.  I have a wonderful life.  A wonderful family.  Wonderful friends.  It is amazing the million different ways we find to beat the crap out of ourselves.  So hour by hour and day by day I am finding things easier, lighter.  Enjoyment of your life is a precious gift and should be savored and cherished. I missed this home here in Blogland.  I missed my Friends.

My weight has not changed, but these are the things I also have forced myself to do.  And, by the way, enjoyed every one of them.

1.  I have been taking tennis lessons.  At first I thought, "Hey! I am kind of like a natural at this!"  Then after about three lessons I realized the coach had been throwing the balls straight at my racket and there was no way I could miss the ball.  He is very patient with me:)

2.  I put on a swimsuit and swam with my boys several times.  They loved it and so did I.  Now, it was at my neighbors house and there was no one else around, but it was a hard thing for me and I did it and I am glad.  And they (the neighbors) are going to Japan next week  and we will be swimming everyday.  I do have their permission to use the pool, by the way!  LOL!!

3.  I put on a bathing suit and a coverup and sat at a table under an umbrella at the Dallas Country Club at the pool!!!!!!!  Some friends wanted to take me out for a birthday lunch and I said Sure!  Then that morning they told me where it was going to be and my first thought was to cancel.  Then I cried in the shower and almost had a panic attack.  Then I put on my big girl boots and suited up.  But I did it and had fun and I am glad.

4.  I took the boys bowling.  I suck at it, but it was fun and I am glad.

5.  I took the boys to the Butterfly House at Fair Park.  That is where your FIT's wings come from. 

6.  I attended the Paper Cowgirl art retreat in June. It was wonderful and fun and I met so many fantastic people and saw many familiar faces from last years retreat. I forced myself to mingle and not just stay in my hotel room. Baby steps, right? I put on a pretty good happy face when I need too:) It will be a welcome time in my life every year.

So.  That's what has been going on and I have missed you all.  I have missed my art.  I have missed.  It's time to not miss anymore.

Here is the FIT for the week.  She is one of my favorite images and she is holding an orange which is wonderful.  I have colored her and cropped her for you.  You can recolor her or what ever you choose to do:)

Just right click on her and save her to your desktop.  Print her out and she's yours!  For you digital Gals, just use your lasso tool in Photoshop to cut her out and use her in your artwork:)  If you do use these images then please hop over to the Free Image Tuesday Group at Flicker and post your artwork.  There are wonderful ladies there!!!  Here is the link:)  http://www.flickr.com/groups/freeimagetuesdaycreations

I also added some wings for her if you would like to use this image:)

"Flutterby"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller  (FIT image free for you to use in your art masterpieces!!!)

Speaking of art...  My insomnia has produced loads of quiet arting time for me.  Here are some of the recent pieces I have been working on.  In the dark of the night:)

"Sisters"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller

"Tree House"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller

"Digital Still Life No.1"  By Jamie Miller

"Digital Still Life No.2"  By Jamie Miller

This is the PERFECT quote to end this post and it comes from Sweet Kim of  Gerushia's New World.  Please visit and see her wonderful art work! This is Pure Poetry Sweetie!!!!

"Beyond the shadows and nightmares,

there is light and dreams and hope.

Sometimes it's obvious and glorious, and

sometimes it's quiet, tucked away in our

Everydays." 

~Kim

Theme Thursday Entry....

"The GateKeeper"

Digital Art Piece by Jamie Miller

Theme Thursday Entry

Free Image Tuesday...Tintypes and a Toothless Sweetie...Oh and Tennis:)...

Here is Sweet James and his missing front teeth.  The right top and bottom tooth were knocked out when he fell a couple of weeks ago on the tile.  Talk about making a Momma's heart stop!  We were in the garage and we heard James start crying.  I ran inside and the first thing I saw was blood and 2 teeth just lying on the tile.  Thank goodness they were both baby teeth.  Last week he lost the left top tooth while eating ice cream.  I love to hear him talk right now.  Especially if what he is saying has lots of S's:)

Pretty Soon We Will Have to Feed Him A Liquid Diet:)

This first FIT is a full plate tintype.  It measures 9 by 7 inches and I believe that it is a copy of an earlier CDV photograph.  So kind of like one of the first forms of photocopying:)  I have several examples of this type of photo posted on my Flickr account.

This is an art piece I created using these Sweeties:)

This is Sweet Archie J. Pollock.  On the back of this CDV it is written that this photograph was taken on Aug. 4th, 1873 and that Archie was 4 years and 10 months old.  I really love his stockings and hat.  I am working on an art piece with him right now:)

The tennis lessons are going very well.  On Saturday the boys and I had a lesson together.  I could tell that they were proud of me for playing and David said several times how he could not believe how well I could hit the ball:)  It's fun and after an hour of chasing that ball you get your heartrate up pretty good.  Also on Saturday in the court beside us there were 4 men playing a game.  I wanted to run and hide.  I did not want to have the lesson in front of them, but I did and I'm glad.  I also told the tennis coach (a man) that I weigh 277 pounds and that I need to get fit and healthy.  My own husband doesn't know how much I weigh, but told that coach just as matter of fact as you please and...  the world still held on it's axis.  It's all ok.  I am starting to learn/trust that your attitude is so much more important than your size.

Quotes For The Day:

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. "

~Albert Camus, Lyrical and Critical Essays

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway." ~Emory Austin

"I've decided that the stuff falling through the cracks is confetti and I'm having a party!"
 ~Betsy Cañas Garmon

Proof of Fairies No. 277...

I had my tennis lesson on Monday and it was AWESOME!!!  I can't believe what a stress reliever it is when you hit that ball!!  I did better than I thought I would and when the hour was over I was sweaty and proud:)  I will post the FIT tomorrow.  This morning I am going to a Mother's Day Tea that Sweet James' class has prepared for us.  Hope you are all having a wonderful week!  Love, Jamie (Queen of the Court) LOL!!

Digital Collage by Jamie Miller

Fence by Elea24
http://elea24.deviantart.com/art/Charlecote-42-100750640"
negative plate by Sweet Renee
http://www.flickr.com/photos/playingwithpsp/3331299061/sizes/o/in/set-72157610323678925
Mushrooms and tree from Jantiff-Stocks
http://jantiff-stocks.deviantart.com/art/moss-tree-mushrooms-99337026
Thatched House from Cubstock
http://cubstock.deviantart.com/art/little-house-1-76305404

Ghost House

"Ghost House"  by Jamie Miller

All images used are from the Art-e-ology Free Image Tuesday set on Flickr

Broken Glass texture is from Deviant Art member DozyStock

Lost Civiliations: Proof of Fairies No. 2

Digital Art by Jamie Miller

Glass Plate negative texture from Sweet Renee:) http://www.flickr.com/photos/playingwithpsp/3034325906/in/set-72157610323678925/
gazebo stock from  http://lugubrum-stock.deviantart.com/art/Lugubrum-stock-regaleira6-52478208"
Forest stock by Scotto http://scotto.deviantart.com/art/Untitled-15-138933789"

I made a list of the things I would do when I lost weight. Things that I am not comfortable doing now at my current weight. And you know what? I am going to fake it 'till I make it and I am going to do those things NOW. Push through the uncomfortable feelings and do them anyway. Step out of myself and see what happens.

So yesterday I spent the whole day at Canton. It is a 400 acre flea market with so many wonderful antiques and treasures and junk that only a collage artist would love:) It is only open for a few days on the first week of every month so my husband picked the kids up from school and I had a day to myself for the first time since I can remember. I walked miles and I met so many great folks.

When I got home the boys would not stop hugging me and my husband said they both were crying when I was not there to pick them up from school. Which tells me we need to spend some quality time apart from each other:)

On Monday at 10am I start private tennis lessons. Which at this point just makes me want to cringe, but I will be out there trying to hit that ball in all my glory:)

Quotes for Today:

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway."
~Emory Austin

" To overcome a fear, here's all you have to do: realize the fear is there, and do the action you fear anyway."
~Peter McWilliams

Fishin'...FITS For You...FIT Flicker and Having A FIT Over Your FIT Art! Page...

Sweet James

I took the boys fishing today. I taught them how to cast their rods and bait their hooks. We caught lots of algae and found lots of fossils and a pull tab from the 70's. I had to explain to the boys what it was used for in the olden days;) We had a wonderful time and it felt so good to be outside in the sunshine. I have decided to just do the things I have been avoiding because of my weight. Just do them and realize that the joy and fun and love on my son's faces far outweighs me.

Sweet David

(notice the feet STANDING in the water!!)

I finally opened a Free Image Tuesday Flickr group a few weeks ago to give it a trail run. We have truly lovely members and they have made beautiful FIT art. So if you have a Flickr account please come join us at Free Image Tuesday Creations and share your wonderful art work.

For those of you who do not have a Flickr account I have created a special page just for you and the link can be found at the top of my blog. It's called Having A FIT Over Your FIT Art! If anyone can think of a better title then PLEASE let me know. LOL!!!!!! If you would like to share your FIT art then leave a link in the comment section on the main blog and I will add your art and link to the page. Go over and check out the fabulous art pieces already listed. If I have missed you, then please knock me over the head and remind me again!!

1. Sweet Margaret! I love the soft dreamy quality of this photo and of course the fact that she has a name:)

I wonder what ghosts haunt this fabulous building? It would be perfect for Halloween art.


Cheeky Monkey!!!!!! Have you ever seen such a devilish grin? It is rare to find such expression in an 1800s CDV image. It makes me wonder if the photographer took the "serious" photos and then got some sweet smiles (or cheeky ones) for the parents to cherish.

Quotes for Today:

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

~Author Unknown

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."

~Win Borden

http://vintagesusieandwings.blogspot.com/2009/10/tgif-whites.html

http://vintagesusieandwings.blogspot.com/2009/10/playing-with-layers.html

Amazed....

Photograph by Jamie Miller

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."   ~Anais Nin 



I don't know how to say thank you in any way that comes close to the gratitude I feel towards each and every one of you.  Your kind words and shared experiences are amazingly wonderful and brave and fearless and poignant and heart wrenching and heart healing.

I printed out each comment.  I read each one over and over.  On Tuesday, I sat in Debbie's office and read them out loud.  And we marveled at your kindness and generosity and bravery.  Your gentle outpourings of truth and love.  So thank you my friends.  Thank you for sharing a part of you with me and all who come here.  Your willingness to open your hearts and my willingness to open my heart feels so right.  I feel so proud of all of us. 

Photograph by Jamie Miller

Depression holds different demons for each person.  Talking about our fears and experiences is so very freeing.  I spend an hour every week with Debbie.  And together we have moved emotional mountains over the past 5 years.  One thing I have always said to her is that I was afraid people would not take my art seriously or me as a blogger seriously if they saw the real me.  That I felt like an imposter.  I never lied about myself, but I knew I was hiding my weight issues from you.  For fear of being judged.  But really, it was I who was judging.  Judging myself and judging you.  Not trusting you enough to be able to see through to the real me.

This 40 year old Jamie still sees herself cowering in her school desk, hearing the daily fat jokes and taunts from classmates.  She still can feel the burning shame when they stuck gum in her hair on the school bus.  But I think now that this Jamie would have something to say for herself.

And I certainly would tell them where they could stick their gum.

Luke?...Is That You?...

I think I have found Luke Wilson's Great-Great Grandmother.  I love finding old photos that resemble well known actors.  This one is strange because it is a lady and she looks just like Luke Wilson!  I have put together some photos to show you the resemblance. 

Dude, that is totally Luke Wilson.  Even my husband thinks so!

It is an uncanny resemblance.  I hope they really are related.  Although, I will never know for sure. 

I have been remiss about answering comments lately.  Mom.  Don't read anymore unless you want to hear the truth:)  I have been having really horrible depression.  Some of it is controlled by medication. Some of it is controlled by therapy. (Thank you Debbie)  Some of it is untouchable.  Some of it is hide under the covers and never want to come out depression.  Some of it is why do I bother depression.  Some of it is I am a fat slob depression. Some of it is if you knew who I REALLY was you would NEVER come to my blog again depression.  My lazy, fat, never successful persona

.  My want to hide under the covers persona.  So in order to move forward I have to admit to all sides of me.  This is the real me.  I am an overweight, 40 year old house wife.  I am a wonderful mother.  A wonderful wife.  I am not a wonderful friend to myself.  I am my own worse critic.  I am a constant stream of negative feedback.  I am who I am.  This is me.  I am working to change things.  I am wanting to change things.  This is who I am now.  This is me.  Love, Jamie

Free Image Tuesday Beauties For You!...

Sisters Forever.  A beautiful cabinet card from Wauseon, Ohio.  I put a background page behind the photo so you could see the wonderful scalloped edges of the card.  Their necklaces and outfits match and I am not quite certain they are sisters, but I like to think so:)

Little Miss CDV photograph.  Her beautiful dress forms a cape in the back and has such wonderful ruffles and detailing.  She seems shy and tiny in front of her big studio backdrop.

Little Man CDV.  This CDV (cartes de visite) sized photo is a very early one.  Based on the hair style and clothing of our fella I would date this photo to the early 1860s.    A lovely studio chair adds to the beauty of this one.

Cutest FIT EVER!!!!!!...Wait...Have I Already Said That?...The NEW Cutest FIT Ever!!!!...

Ok, Guys.  I could not WAIT to get this from the mail to share it with you  all!!!!  Whether it is intentional or not, she is making the American Sign Language sign for rabbit/bunny.  Is that not the sweetest thing EVER?!!!  And how perfect for Easter.  I LOVE HER.  She just melts my heart.  It could also be interpreted as a peace sign which is just as wonderful.  She is definitely high on the favorites list in my photo collection.  Just look!!!!!!

And yes, I KNOW I said no more Winter cuties, but come on.  Is she not gorgeous?  Her little Dalmatian spotted collar and sleeves are so sweet!! And those pouty lips!!  I couldn't help myself:)

I am in the process of setting up a Flickr Group for all the wonderful art created with the FIT images.  If you don't have a Flickr account don't fret.  I have been saving the links to your blogs and artwork so I will be asking you if I can post them to the group.  A link to your blog page will be listed in the description section. Thank you so much for creating such wonderful art with these images.  It makes my heart sing:)  Love, Jamie 

It's been a long time since I had my Quote for the Day.  So, here is my new favorite.

"Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it."
~Anonymous



****The small print: FIT images are free for you to use in your mixed media collage and digital artwork. I would love to see what you create:) They are not to be used in collage image sheets for sale or image CDs for sale. That's wrong! LOL!!


All materials shared in this set are from my own personal image collection.

Ready For Spring, Now?...Yes, Please...

Well.  I certainly hope that is the last of the snow! It is totally gone now except for the giant snowball in the backyard. The boys were SO excited to get to play in snow again.

I. Was. Not.

Do you know how much more laundry snow creates when you have no regular snow outfits??? Or snow boots???  As you can see by this photo I wrapped the boys' socks in plactic grocery bags and then put on their shoes to keep their feet dry.

Mother of the Year, Folks! LOL!!

It's all just an endless cycle of play outside, get soaking wet, come inside for hot chocolate while Mom dries your shoes/gloves/coats in the dryer, put on new clothes, rinse and repeat. So. Please stay away snow. We are done with you. I don't know how you Gals who live with lots of snow do it!! My hats off to you:)

Digital collage by Jamie Miller

New digital piece starring Mr. Creepy/Beautiful. You can find him in the FITS too:) Love, Jamie

It's Here!!! It's Here!!! Spring Is Here!!!!

Come look!!  My pear tree is in full bloom.  I have some sort of pink stuff blooming in the front beds.  The birds are singing!  Let's Go!!  Come see!!!!!!!

Seriously?!?  I'm going back to bed.

Lovely FITs For You...Spring Has Sprung!...

I am finally feeling more like myself and I *think* Spring may be here.  Glorious Spring!!!!  I have been taking photos with my new Nikon D90 and I LOVE it!  It was a Christmas present from my Sweetie:)  I have set up bird feeders around the back yard so I am hoping for more birdies.  In the mean time I have found a lovely secluded place here in town that is a haven for winged things.  I have spent a few afternoons out there clicking away while the boys run around and play.   Here are a few of my recent photos:

I have lots to learn about my camera, but that's part of the fun too.

Here are the FITS for this week.  I hope you enjoy them and use them in your art pieces:)  Love, Jamie

Don't you love her boots? She is really beautiful and the roses on her dress are wonderful. I wonder if this was her confirmation photo?

This cutie has triple the cuteness!!  I love those frilly sleeves and how his sweet feet stick out straight in the first and third photos:)

As a Mom this one makes me break out in a cold sweat.  I could not see putting my little ones on the edge of a small table like that!!!!  But, she is adorable in her crocheted outfit and the little hood is fabulous.  I am going to use her in a digital piece and when I cut her out of the background i will post the .png:) 

I hope you have wonderful week.  Love, Jamie

Free Image Tuesday..On Wednesday...Can't Let You Get Too Spoiled!...LOL!!

What can I say?  Thank you each and every one of you.  Your words helped so much.  I am writing you each individually but I must also say it here: Thank you. Love, Jamie

Lovely Civil War era Girl.  Her dress is amazing and I am really loving the studio prop tassels on the table.   I bet she was firecracker:)

Small mounted photo from the early 1900's.  I thought I would get a winter Cutie Pie in the FITS before Spring comes:)

This is a cabinet card from the late 1800's.  It says, "Uncle Charlie" on the back.  This is one of the few cabinet cards I have of this size.  It is 8.5 inches by 4 inches.  I love how Charlie's little right hand is holding his gown.  Precious!

Cabinet card photos that are framed in a fancy mask like this one are usually Memorial cards.  The little girl's name is written on the back as Edith Fairfield.  She was beautiful.

Close-up detail of frame.