And She Kept Her Promise For All of Those Years

"And She Kept Her Promise For All of Those Years"

Digital Artwork by Jamie Miller

Happy Christmas Sweet Friends!!!

I know it has been a while.  My last post was August 12th and I had every intention of being back sooner.  My husband was in an ATV accident in Utah on August 19th.  It crushed the tibial plateau and broke both the lower leg bones of his left leg. After having surgery to place an external fixator to hold the break in place he was able to fly back to Texas. ( Don't ask.  Nightmare.)  He had an 8 hour surgery here to bolt everything back where it should be.  He developed a pulmonary embolism from a blood clot in the broken leg.  Oh, and staph.  Wonderful staph.  We never knew.  You think a broken leg and how terrible but you don't think how it changes every single aspect of your life.  He was totally non-weight bearing until Thanksgiving. We have spent our days at doctors and pharmacies and bathing and getting dressed and in pain.  The pain is ever constant and we believe will always be there in some form.  

But, out of this I have grown and changed.  I have found my voice and use it while navigating the wilds of the medical/insurance system.  I have found my voice and use it with my husband and my children.  I have been holding back and supressing my words, my feelings and wants and needs for far to long.  Martyr.  Stuffing those words and feelings down a deep, deep well capped tight with hamburgers and ice cream.  And the only one it hurt was myself.  So many of you have shared your struggles and have been so very wonderful and supportive.  Thank you!!!!! Thank you for being brave and speaking up.  We are all special and good and human.  We are all miraculously flawed and fragile and strong and perfect all at the same time.

PS- After Thanksgiving, my husband started back to work and walking with crutches and bearing weight as tolerated and has already ordered what I refer to as his "Pimp" cane to use when he is ready;) I tried to get him to order one with a naked lady for the handle (yes, they exist!) but he settled for a more dignified model.

Peeking In...Saying Love You!!...

I have so many FITs to catch up on!!!!!   Believe me, you will get each and every one:)  

I am half in my new studio.  Kind of in limbo, with some of my husband's things still here.  So waiting.  Patiently.  No, not really.  Tapping my foot and pouting is probably more like it:)  

Working on some new pieces and getting organized.   

Working on feelings and expressing them with words and art.  Not food.  Hard, but successful 50% of the time.  I am working toward getting that number up more towards 80% or so.  Let's face it, some hurts just NEED the sugar.  Girl has to have a donut every now and then;)  

Two new pieces below and FITs to follow on Tuesday or sooner if I can get my act together.

"Fear"

Digital Collage by Jamie Miller

"Proof of Fairies, No. 290"

Digital Collage by Jamie Miller

PS-  Some people have written me and asked who Jamie Miller is and where can they find her.  It's me silly.  Lol!  Love, Jamie


"I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

~Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear


(one of my favorite writers:)
 

You Can Ring My Bell FIT....

Look at this Cutie!!!!  She's clutching her bell with her sweet pudgy hands:)  You know she was ringing it as hard as she could.  I love her.  This is a large cabinet card from the early 1900's.  Please use it in your art:)  Love,Jamie

Here are some photos I took last week at the park:)

"Squirrel!!!"

"Hibiscus"

"AtLast?"

Three Muses Challenge...The Written Word...

This is my take on this week's challenge.  When I created this image I typed out all my negative thoughts and then cut them into word spaghetti.  Then I served them up on a silver plate with a silver spoon. Bon Appetite! 

I have been working hard to control my negative self talk.  Sometimes the negative talk seems to be on automatic playback that runs constantly in the background of my thoughts.  Sometimes I am able to stop and listen and turn the words into positive words.  Sometimes I eat and stuff those words down to make them quiet for a while.  Sometimes I am amazed at how hatefully I treat myself.  I would never say these words to a friend or stranger.  It is a hard habit to break.  It is a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  Love you all, Jamie

Family of Four FIT...

Thank you, Thank you All, for the wonderful welcome back to Blogland!!  I am having "issues" with posting comments.   Some go through and some do not, but I am working on it:)


Here are quick FITs for this beautiful Tuesday.  These are four tintypes of a very lovely family.  I love how the frames tie them all in together.  The Sister seems very regal.  I love her.  Now,  away with you!!!   Go make Art!!!  Love, Jamie

I Missed You So....

FIT  "Twins"

I missed you so.  I am so glad to be back.

I owe you all such gratitude and love for supporting me when I was unable to support myself.

I am forever grateful.  So many wonderful words of encouragement and love.

It is all very bleak when you are suffering through a depressive stage.  So many of you shared your wisdom and compassion and your own journeys.  I carried those words with me.

First, not feeling I deserved them.

Then when I was ready, drawing comfort from them and knowing I was not alone.

And now feeling such amazement at this wonderful, supportive and loving community of artists and friends.  We have created a haven here in blog land.  A safe harbor where we are allowed and encouraged to speak from our hearts.  Thank you so very much.  Thank you for listening and supporting and loving.  Love, Jamie

FIT  "Brother and Sister"

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process." 


~Peter Koestenbaum

Here are some Beautiful Photos For You:)...

Dear Sweet Friends,  Oh.  How I have missed you.   Please use these images in your art.  Give them new purpose.  Give them a voice.  Love, Jamie

"Sara"  Free Image Tuesday from Art-e-ology

  "One Perfect Bloom"  Free Image Tuesday From Art-e-ology

"Spring Girl"  Free Image Tuesday from Art-e-ology

Would You Catch Me If I Fell From Grace?...

"Would You Catch Me If I Fell From Grace?"  Digital Collage by Jamie Miller

Merry Christmas Sweet Friends...

Dear Friends,

I have been absent, but I have been busy.  Busy is Good:)  Busy is not sleeping all day.  I feel better and better every day.  We are heading to South Carolina for Christmas.  I hope each and every one of you have a wonderful Holiday.  Your support and Friendship has been a saving grace and such a blessing to me this past year.  I am eagerly awaiting the New Year and all the promise it has in store for us. 

With Much Love and Gratitude,
Jamie



PS- Here are some Winter FITS for you:)  Make something Merry!

FIT on Thursday....

Sisters

A beautiful tintype of two Sisters. You can still see the imprint for the brass matt that surrounded it inside it's case.  (***Please see note below***)

Here is the art piece I created with the tintype.  I made glass magnets out of the finished piece.  I will take pictures tomorrow and teach you how to make them also:)

***Please feel free to use this photograph in your Artwork!! After you use it, I would really love for you to come join our new group, "Free Image Tuesday Creations"!!
www.flickr.com/groups/freeimagetuesdaycreations/

Love, Jamie

Special FIT for You....

This beautiful young lady is a Civil War era cased ambrotype.  I love everything about her.  Her face, her dress, the way she crosses her hands.  My cased image collection holds a special place in my heart. 

Sometimes when I hold them in my hands I think, "I am the only person on this Earth right now who knows this person lived." 

My collection  dates from the mid to late 1800's and for what ever reason they were seperated from their family.   So now, I am their keeper.  I hold their story.  Create something beautiful with her.  Write her a new story.

Love You All,  Jamie

Fall Comes to Texas...

I actually went out with my camera yesterday and took some Fall photos.  They were the first photos that I have taken in months.  It felt good.  This week has been good.  No sleeping during the day and I am slowly catching up with all the mess I let slide lately.  Your sweet words and comments are a blessing and are so very appreciated.  I am so lucky to know such Wise and Wonderful Women. I have FITS, but they will have to wait until the Wild Boys are in bed.  Love You All!!!!  Jamie

Sweet Fits For You, My Sweet Friends....

Beautiful Little Miss.  My favorite part of this photo is the elaborate painted backdrop behind her. 

Sisters

That's us:)  Love, Jamie

Ok.I Can Do This....

I have told this story to my mother and my husband, so I can tell it here. 

It is humiliating and hard.  

I woke up on Thursday and had a brain storm that my boys needed cooler clothes.  Not because they had bad clothes.  But because I realized that I had only shopped at Old Navy and Target for them.  NOT COOL.  The school they attend is full of very privileged children, who have the very best.  

I was thinking I could save them some teasing by giving them the best in clothing that money could buy.  (James had come home and said that he was teased because he wore skinny jeans.)  

They would fit in and no one would be able to call them out on their clothing choices.  

I called friends who kept up on that sort of thing.  They told me the most popular clothing brands were "Hurley" and "7 for all Mankind" and "True Religion" and "Rock and Republic" and "Diesel."  I, of course, have never heard of any of these brands.  

If I find a shirt I like, I buy it in every color and I am happy and done.  

So, I went to Macy's and met with a wonderful woman named Vivienne.  And she helped me with buying a whole new wardrobe for ME.  I know I was looking for the kids   But, it was fun and giddy and exhilarating.  I made myself walk outside of my comfort zone.  And she picked out this and that and I said ok.  She waited in the dressing room for me and approved every outfit.  And I loved almost every one.  And we laughed at the ones that did not work and we laughed at the ones that were perfect.  And she was fabulous and fun and encouraging.  And I felt normal for the first time in a long time.  And Vivi made me feel normal and right and excepted.  She said that I made her laugh so much.  And she made me laugh so much.  She did not judge me when I said that a 24 would not fit me.  She just kept looking until she found a 26. 

And she cheered me and praised me when the 24 fit.  

And she accepted me for who I am.  Jamie.  

Not Fat Jamie.  Just Jamie.  

Me. 

Who I am on the inside.  Vivi made me feel real and ok and normal for the first time in a long time.  

The last thing I said to her was, "I love ya Vivi" and I do.  

She was there for me when she did not know that, that was what I needed most.  She was perfect.

That afternoon, I took James to the store with me to pick up jeans and shoes for David.  We went to the big boy clothes and I was looking around for clothes for David.  There was a Mom there from our school and her two boys.  

James being the social guy that he is, said very proudly, " That is my Mom".  

And the youngest boy said, " YOUR MOM IS FAT". 

Poor James said, "No She is Not!"

And then, the Mom steered them away to another area.  

James looked at me panicked struck and said "You are Not fat Mom!!"

"I Love You".

I was so worried about their clothing.   

I never recognized that  "I " was their biggest liability.  

It is "I " that they will be judged about and called out after.  

The Fat Mom.  

The Mom that stands out. 

I cried all the way home.  I tried to hide it from James, but he knew.  I cried in the car all the way home.  When we got home, I called a friend.  The boys knew there was something more.  

David came to me and said," The more people that make fun of you, the more you learn to deal with them.  

When people make fun of me I say, " I don't understand what you mean.  Could you please explain it to me?"   That stops them in their tracks he said.

I must be doing something right.  David gave me better advice than any adult could.  I must be teaching them the right things.  Those silly boys.  I love them so.

This is the best I can do to recover the lost comments I received for the first try at this post.  Kim, Anji, Joanna and Karin please know that I appreciate you so very much!!!!!  Love, Jamie

Treasures....

That is what each and every one of you are to me. 

My therapist said yesterday that sometimes the simple act of saying something aloud can take it's power to keep you stuck away.  Being able to talk to Debbie every week and to feeling safe to come here and share with you is so very wonderful.  Knowing that you understand makes me feel so much better.

I am showing my gratitude for all of you by sharing my favorite new image as the FIT.  She is special and beautiful.  Just like us.

"Ah hai' nay erna keena'n you."

"Proof of Fairies No. 284"

Digital collage by Jamie Miller



"I have no greater sorrows than yours."
~ Nell
 
 
I feel guilty having depression when I KNOW it is not caused by outside causes.  I want to sleep all day.  I have no right too.  I have to force myself everyday to function like a normal human being.

Get the children to school.

 Come home and set the alarm clock to 2:45 pm.

 Sleep. 

Wake up and be a positive and happy Mom. 

Homework.  Dinner.  Night, Night time.  8:00pm.  Then, I fall into the bed.  I think "Thank God." 
The boys don't wake up until 6:30 am. 
Only then do I need to be present. 
I make breakfast. I dress them.  I drive them to school. 
I come home and sleep until school is done.

Done. 

That has been my life.  It feels like a sorry excuse.  It feels like a sham.

Don't tell me it is ok.  It is not.  It is a mockery of a life.  It feels like a sham.

I love you all.  I hear your answers in my head.  You say wonderful positive things.  You say it is ok.  You say beautiful, lovely things.  I do not deserve them.

So I am going to except them anyway.

Because I am trying and you are pulling for me.

You are there for me when I am not there for myself.

Thank you for that.  Thank you so much.

Thank you for being there.

I am going to start walking in the morning.  I am going to be present.  I can tell you honestly that it is going to suck.  I will hate it.  But so what.  I will be ok.

I have no greater sorrows than you.

Art...Alli...and FITS...

"Fly"

"Fly" a digital collage by Jamie Miller (cloud texture by Sweet Marsha:) www.flickr.com/photos/10516787@N06/3611013886

background texture by Sweet Deborah:www.flickr.com/photos/landofnodstudios/4812850044

“Come to the edge, he said.

They said: We are afraid.

Come to the edge, he said.

They came.

He pushed them and they flew.”

~Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1919)

I feel like I am pushing the edges all around me.  Seeing what I am capable of and able to tolerate.  Sticking my toe in the water.  Feeling around in the dark.  It's a whole new world for me. 

I started using Alli with my meals.  The nutritionist said that if I am going to be practicing eating well then why not use Alli to help maximize my weight loss.  Now I am using it and I am very careful about my fat gram intake.  Alli can have some really yucky side effects if you eat a high fat meal.  And, Lord knows, I don't want to shart myself in the Walmart.  So cucumbers it is:)

These next three photos are your FITS for the week.

I love the little boy in the chair so much!!!   That hair kills me.  I call him the Lollipop Kid:)   He is beautiful beyond words.

She is a true beauty and I have the original for you and also one I have colorized.  I love her hair and think she looks so modern.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone and thank you so very much for your sweet words and support.   Love, Jamie

Photos...Arting...Now, I Am Un-Abilified and FIT Images...

Hello Sweet Friends.  These are photos that I FINALLY downloaded out of my camera:) 

The first is a wonderful sunset from a few months ago.  When I was looking at the downloaded images I could not believe I got the sun shining out of the break in the clouds like that.  Fabulous!!!

This flower and all my flower shots are from the gardens at Debbie's (my therapist) office.  I love to walk around there after we talk and just be.  I always see something wonderful.

These bunnies come out early in the morning and eat the birdseed that has fallen on the ground from the bird feeder.  And the bread I put out there too:)  Aren't they the CUTEST?!!!!

Once again I am overwhelmed at the kindness, love and generosity you all have shown me.  It helps so very much to know I am not alone.  Hearing your experiences lets me know I am not alone.  Your Sweet wonderful words let me know I am not alone.  I am so grateful I can come here and be myself.  Thank You All So Much!!

On the meds front I have been un-Abilifed.  I started having horrible edema (swelling) in my legs and feet.  The doctor put me on Lasix and from Friday until Monday when I went back I had lost 15 pounds of water weight.  Holy Crap!!  I only wish you could pee real pounds out like that too!  LOL!!!  I really hate that i can't take it because it made me feel so much better.  So I have to wait three weeks before we can stir up another cocktail.  Until then I am hoping I continue to feel productive.  I am arting like mad and I LOVE it.

I am sending hugs to you all!  I have answered all the wonderful comments and emails.  Thank you so very much:)  Love, Jamie

These next three pieces are new art I made this week. 

"Everydays" Digital Collage by Jamie Miller (inspired by the words of Sweet Kim of Gerushia's New World.
For image and texture info click here.

"Sorrow" Digital Collage by Jamie Miller
For image and texture info click here.

"Eight Days" Digital Collage by Jamie Miller
For image and texture info click here.




Free Image Tuesdays on a Thursday!!!

These are from a photo I took at the Butterfly house with the boys:)  I turned them into a snip for you!

These three sisters are so sweet.  I always love those gigantic bows!!!!!  Their names are

Alice, Addie and Jeannette:)

Look at this Sweet Monkey!!!  My favorite part is the perfect dimples on the back of his hands.  Baby hand dimples are precious!!!!

The back of this card is really pretty.  I cleaned it up and erased the photographer's name for you here:

What can you do with this? Anything you want! I used it for my blog name and address:)

Quote for the Day:

“Family... a group experience of love and support.”

~Marianne Willianson

I Am Cymbaltaed, Wellbutrin-ated and Abilified!!....

"Mommy's Little Helpers" Digital collage by Jamie Miller

Well, here I am.  Heavily medicated and closely followed by a physician and seen by a therapist weekly.  I have been Cymbaltaed, Wellbutrin-ated and Abilified.  I think we have found a good cocktail and it seems to be working for me for now.  Insomnia seems to be my biggest hurdle/side effect, but I was having that before the meds, so at least I feel happy at 3am.  I have been in therapy for 6 years and my therapist is an awesome wonderful lady.  She works with women and she does Skype and phone sessions if you are out of state.  Here is her website if you are having trouble and need to talk with someone.  http://www.devinerelaxation.com/

My depression at this point is mainly brain chemistry, not situational.  When I am at the bottom I KNOW this, but it still feels like some sort of short coming or a failure on my part.  I have a wonderful life.  A wonderful family.  Wonderful friends.  It is amazing the million different ways we find to beat the crap out of ourselves.  So hour by hour and day by day I am finding things easier, lighter.  Enjoyment of your life is a precious gift and should be savored and cherished. I missed this home here in Blogland.  I missed my Friends.

My weight has not changed, but these are the things I also have forced myself to do.  And, by the way, enjoyed every one of them.

1.  I have been taking tennis lessons.  At first I thought, "Hey! I am kind of like a natural at this!"  Then after about three lessons I realized the coach had been throwing the balls straight at my racket and there was no way I could miss the ball.  He is very patient with me:)

2.  I put on a swimsuit and swam with my boys several times.  They loved it and so did I.  Now, it was at my neighbors house and there was no one else around, but it was a hard thing for me and I did it and I am glad.  And they (the neighbors) are going to Japan next week  and we will be swimming everyday.  I do have their permission to use the pool, by the way!  LOL!!

3.  I put on a bathing suit and a coverup and sat at a table under an umbrella at the Dallas Country Club at the pool!!!!!!!  Some friends wanted to take me out for a birthday lunch and I said Sure!  Then that morning they told me where it was going to be and my first thought was to cancel.  Then I cried in the shower and almost had a panic attack.  Then I put on my big girl boots and suited up.  But I did it and had fun and I am glad.

4.  I took the boys bowling.  I suck at it, but it was fun and I am glad.

5.  I took the boys to the Butterfly House at Fair Park.  That is where your FIT's wings come from. 

6.  I attended the Paper Cowgirl art retreat in June. It was wonderful and fun and I met so many fantastic people and saw many familiar faces from last years retreat. I forced myself to mingle and not just stay in my hotel room. Baby steps, right? I put on a pretty good happy face when I need too:) It will be a welcome time in my life every year.

So.  That's what has been going on and I have missed you all.  I have missed my art.  I have missed.  It's time to not miss anymore.

Here is the FIT for the week.  She is one of my favorite images and she is holding an orange which is wonderful.  I have colored her and cropped her for you.  You can recolor her or what ever you choose to do:)

Just right click on her and save her to your desktop.  Print her out and she's yours!  For you digital Gals, just use your lasso tool in Photoshop to cut her out and use her in your artwork:)  If you do use these images then please hop over to the Free Image Tuesday Group at Flicker and post your artwork.  There are wonderful ladies there!!!  Here is the link:)  http://www.flickr.com/groups/freeimagetuesdaycreations

I also added some wings for her if you would like to use this image:)

"Flutterby"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller  (FIT image free for you to use in your art masterpieces!!!)

Speaking of art...  My insomnia has produced loads of quiet arting time for me.  Here are some of the recent pieces I have been working on.  In the dark of the night:)

"Sisters"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller

"Tree House"  Digital collage by Jamie Miller

"Digital Still Life No.1"  By Jamie Miller

"Digital Still Life No.2"  By Jamie Miller

This is the PERFECT quote to end this post and it comes from Sweet Kim of  Gerushia's New World.  Please visit and see her wonderful art work! This is Pure Poetry Sweetie!!!!

"Beyond the shadows and nightmares,

there is light and dreams and hope.

Sometimes it's obvious and glorious, and

sometimes it's quiet, tucked away in our

Everydays." 

~Kim